Marriage is a Struggle AND an Adventure.

Marriage can be tough, take it from a person who is about to hit 5 months of it in a couple of days...(WOOHOO!)

But, also take it from me, that it is the BEST thing in the world and definitely worth the time and effort that it takes to make it work!

I love the adventures that I have with this guy, and wouldn't trade that for the world!

One of the best ways to make this kind of a relationship work is COMMUNICATION.

And one of the most important sides of this is listening.  This, in a lot of cases, can be more important than talking.  It is so vital to feel accepted and loved in a marriage.  So one way to show this, is to actively listen to what your spouse has to say!

Here are some key aspects of good listening:

• Concentrate and take initiative to be focused.
• Consciously decide to put aside distractions.
• Don't cut them off (especially in a disagreement), listen to their side completely!
• Ask questions to clarify meaning.
• Summarize what they have said.
• Practice!

Just remember how nice it is to feel validated by someone you love.  It is so easy to do this by being an active listener, and this will strengthen your marriage if nothing else!

*HAPPY FAMILIES CHANGE THE WORLD*

Prevention, Coping, Crisis.

"You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them."



We will all come across crisis in our lives, but the true test will be whether or not we let this derail our path or let it make us stronger.
This is especially important in family crisis.  When hard trials come along, it can be very easy to grow apart instead of together.  Here are some effective tools for coping:

1. Take responsibility.  Don't play the victimized game.
2. Believe in yourself and your ability to deal with the crisis, affirm your family's worth.
3. Don't forget to take care of yourself, while always making time to take care of those around you.  It's a balancing act.
4. Change the way you perceive the crisis.  Look at it as a way to grow and become better.
5. Find and use your available resources.  This includes extended family members, friends, other social circles, religion, etc.

While these are good tools to use once a crisis has emerged in the family system, I think that it is more important for the family to be prepared to deal.  THIS is what I am going to apply now, in order to have a strong foundation that can withstand hard times.  I want to be a resilient family that has worked together in order to be strong and prepared.

In a family you must:

• Know how to manage conflict well.
• Have relationships that foster problem-solving.
• Hold celebrations such as birthdays, religions holidays, special events, etc.
• Have good communication of emotions and beliefs.
• Have good financial management.
• Have a strong commitment to family.
• Practice good health in physical and emotional.
• Share leisure activities.
• Accept each other, flaws and all.
• Build social network of family and friends.
• Share routines such as family dinner and chores.
• Have traditions that are practiced!

I invite you all to look at this list and see where you can start working harder in order to build a strong, resilient family that can withstand all the trials that are bound to come your way.

*HAPPY FAMILIES CHANGE THE WORLD*

References:

Lauer, Robert H., and Jeanette C. Lauer.  Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy. Dubuque, IA, Wm. C. Brown Publishers, 2012.

Infidelity and Marriage

*Being a faithful spouse requires much more than avoiding adultery.*

How does that make you feel? What are the other things we should avoid to be COMPLETELY faithful to your one and only?

There are different types of threats to happy marriages. Some of the most common threats today include friends crossing boundaries, Facebook and another social networking sites, pornography, and couples fighting.  In order to avoid these creating rifts in our marriages we must create boundaries against outside forces.  I love the way we discussed this subject in class. Our professor compared the boundaries around our marriage needing to be like a white picket fence.  Imagine a beautiful home surrounded by this quaint boundary...

Looking at this fence what do we notice?

1. It creates a clear and distinct boundary around the home.
2. The shortness of it allows others to talk to those inside the boundaries, but still creates a barrier.
3. The pointy top dissuades anyone from sitting on the fence, they must choose a side.
4. There is an opening that allows others in, but only at that certain place.

Now how can we compare this to a marriage and the boundaries that are needed?

1. There must be clear and distinct boundaries made.  (These can be continually discussed and modified as the relationship changes, but there MUST be conversations about what each person feels comfortable with, especially before they are married.)
2. Spouses can have friends and talk to them, but there is still a distance kept.  They should only turn to their spouse to share personal things in order to build intimacy and closeness.
3. The couple must set up protectors to keep their marriage safe, by defining what actions their boundaries allow.  (Being alone with someone of the opposite gender?  What friends and family are allowed to know about problems? To what extent there are conversations on social media with others?)
4. Others can and will be allowed to be close to the marriage and those in this union.  However, it is only specified by BOTH husband and wife and allowed in at certain places.

One principle to remember, is that anytime anything takes precedence over your spouse, it could be infidelity and infidelity is the opposite of faithfulness. 

How are you strengthening your marriage each day? How are you showing your love and loyalty?

*HAPPY FAMILIES CHANGE THE WORLD*

How to keep your marriage happy, and avoid the baby blues..

Guys, I'm not going to lie, after my readings for class this week I was REALLY scared to start having children.  It is so important to me to have a family, and I have always loved children (I mean come on, I chose to be a child development major!), but after hearing that on average couples become less and less satisfied in their marriage with each child that is born, I was a little bit worried.

Not to worry though, there IS hope, and today I want to discuss some ways that a couple can work to stay happy in their relationship even if they end up having 13 children!

The most important thing to remember is the system of the family.  According to Family Systems Theory, the unit of the family is made up of systems and subsystems that work together.  For a marriage to be satisfying, even after births of multiple children, the subsystem that needs to stay the strongest is that of the husband and wife.  What sometimes happens is a strong bond between mother and child, pushing the father out of the equation, but there are specific ways to stop this tragic event from occurring.

• Husband and wife need to plan ahead, anticipating the increase of their workload and the fact that their time able to spend with each other will decrease.  If this is discussed and planned for, many problems will be avoided.
• Throughout the pregnancy, the wife needs to keep the husband an active participant.  Have him come to all of the prenatal appointments, and keep him up to date with the exciting developments, like movement of the baby.
• And after the baby is born, it is crucial for the husband and wife to work as a team.  A trend that is commonly seen is the distance enlarging between the husband and wife as the child becomes more important.  This can lead to a withdrawal of both parties as the husband views his importance and appreciation from his wife decrease, and as the wife sees the husband as selfish for not wanting to help to support with her workload.  This circular causality will never end unless the wife makes a conscious effort to love and appreciate her husband, while the husband does his best to support his wife and help out as much as he can.
• This last suggestion is one of my favorites, because it continues to grow the relationship between the father and the baby, which is very important.  If the dad makes sure to take his turn feeding and changing the baby, along with waking up at night to take care of it, the wife will feel more love and appreciation and have the energy to work on their relationship.

Overall, hard work and love will pay off in the end.  To build a strong and happy family, we must be willing to make the effort.

*HAPPY FAMILIES CHANGE THE WORLD*

And what would a post about babies be without a cute baby picture?

Credit goes to one of my best friends, Brianna and her cutie pie baby, Paxton!

What is love?

So I guess I talk about love a lot, but hey, I think it's one of the most important qualities needed to forge a happy family and that is what I'm here to discuss. There are many different definitions of love, and apparently different types as well. However, in the end, we know "that love is crucial to [our] well-being". (Lauer and Lauer, 2012).

As I said before, we need to FORGE a happy family, or marriage.  It is not something that just happens.  What we need is WORK.  To continually forge a lasting relationship, I love the three components of Togetherness (sharing experiences), Talk (mutual self-disclosure), and Time. These things take effort.  I know that, but what happens when we stop working hard for things that matter the most in our life?  I have a strong belief that it is God's plan for us to form marital unions and have families.  This is the way to happiness.  As President Uchtorf said, "Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day, over a lifetime."

 Yes it's hard to get out of your comfort zone to ask someone on a date.  Yes it's hard to put yourself out there in order to form new relationships.  Yes it's hard to trust someone with your heart when it's already been broken before.  Yes, marriage is hard, but it's worth it.  To make it work there are daily choices necessary to be happy.  I choose happiness, I choose love.

*HAPPY FAMILIES CHANGE THE WORLD*



References:
Lauer, Robert H., and Jeanette C. Lauer.  Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy. Dubuque, IA, Wm. C. Brown Publishers, 2012.

All we need is love.

I am overwhelmed every day with the different tragedies that happen all over the world.  If every person on this earth were able to love themselves, and those around them, I think that there would less heartache.  On the other side of this, I am APPALLED at the numerous decisions that are made and policies that are created by those in this country that affect people’s lives, without even considering both sides. Today I want to talk about one issue that is prevalent in our society, and can be very controversial.  As the beginning of my post said, all we need is love, and I hope that as I discuss this topic, the facts I share, alongside my opinion will not offend anyone, but only invite you to take a look at the other side, and remember the importance of LOVE.

Today I want to discuss the policies surrounding the rights of LGTBQ2’s. (I think that’s the official term now, I’m not positive, but you get the point). I’m not here to say whether this lifestyle choice is right or wrong, or if they should be able to get married.  I do, however, want to bring up one policy that can affect these people just as much, but gets a lot less support. To start off with, I want to point out that there is a lot of evidence that biology and genes aren’t the only factor in what brings one to the decision to become gay.  A young boy is a lot more likely if he is sexually abused, rejected by his other male peers, disconnected from his father growing up, raised by an overbearing mother, or introduced to pornography at a young age, and the list goes on.  So, because there are other factors contributing to this lifestyle, some people may not want to have these feelings!  It’s their right, they can choose to change, and that’s why I think it is not okay for a government to outlaw what is being termed as ‘conversion’ therapy.  There have been many success stories, and if it is the choice of the person, this therapy doesn’t cause emotional harm.  We have therapists to help people overcome depression, anxiety, addictions, and other cases.  People don’t want to live that way, so there are means for them to change.  I believe that this is a human right.  We choose how we live, and if we want to and can change, that is okay.

I am not calling that we push all LGTBQ2’S into getting therapy, but I am asking that we leave this choice up to the individual. Love, my friends, is the answer, but it only works if we love BOTH sides and see from EVERY view point.

Here's a great video to watch interviewing success stories.

Understanding Same-Sex Attraction

I want you all to know that I have a very happy family and they each mean the world to me.  I attribute all that I am today to my sweet mother and strong father.  The relationships I have with my siblings, continue to grow, and now I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband.  I know I would not be this happy, or successful in life if my family structure was different.  Let's say for example I wasn't blessed to be raised with a father in the home.  If this were the case, statistically I would be more likely to live in poverty, more likely to have poorer mental and physical health like higher rates of anxiety and depression, and I would be less likely to complete high school.  All of these negative affects simply because of an absence of a second parent in the home. WOW. That small factor can change the path of a child dramatically.  On a side note, I am by no means here to tear down those that are in single parent situations due to no fault of their own, and are working hard.  Many people come out successful from these types of situations! I just want to advocate that stable, happy families needs to become the norm. 

Our culture calls for individualism and freedom, but forgets the importance of a child. I want to change this, I want others to think not just of themselves, but also the future generations.  We talk about our effect on the environment and the stability of our government, but where is the focus on the child? The function of the family as defined by anthropologists is to fulfill sexual relations, reproduction, socialization of children, and economic cooperation.  Many families in the world today are lacking in at least one of these areas.  Let us change this culture.  Let us each work to enact these beliefs of happy family life.  It is possible, and it will provide happiness.

*HAPPY FAMILIES CHANGE THE WORLD*

References:

 Lauer, Robert H., and Jeanette C. Lauer. Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy. Dubuque, IA, Wm. C. Brown Publishers, 1991.