Divorce is ugly.

In some cases divorce is necessary, and thus I am grateful for the ease at which people can terminate their marriages.  However, in many of marriages divorce ends in heartache.  Look at the effect on the children, on the extended family, on friends, on the community.  A marriage is not just about the husband and wife.  It is as Dietrich Bonhoeffer says,

“Marriage is more than your love for each other. … In your love you see only your two selves in the world, but in marriage you are a link in the chain of the generations, which God causes to come and to pass away to his glory, and calls into his kingdom. In your love you see only the heaven of your own happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and mankind. Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal—it is a status, an office. Just as it is the crown, and not merely the will to rule, that makes the king, so it is marriage, and not merely your love for each other, that joins you together in the sight of God and man. … So love comes from you, but marriage from above, from God.”

The end of a marriage union causes so much negativity.  Look at the pain the once spouses face as they are again alone.  Reflect on the struggles the children have as they are often forced to choose which parent to live with, and who's side to be on.  Think about the awkwardness for the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.  And of course, consider the struggles future blended families will have as they try to deal with all of this pain and emotional baggage.

Of course it isn't always possible, but shouldn't the sanctity of marriage be something that we fight for?  This isn't just about our own happiness, we need to look outside ourselves.  Successful marriages take work, effort, sacrifice, compromise, communication, patience, humility, love, and most importantly time.  Don't give up so fast.




*HAPPY FAMILIES CHANGE THE WORLD*

Prevention, Coping, Crisis.

"You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them."



We will all come across crisis in our lives, but the true test will be whether or not we let this derail our path or let it make us stronger.
This is especially important in family crisis.  When hard trials come along, it can be very easy to grow apart instead of together.  Here are some effective tools for coping:

1. Take responsibility.  Don't play the victimized game.
2. Believe in yourself and your ability to deal with the crisis, affirm your family's worth.
3. Don't forget to take care of yourself, while always making time to take care of those around you.  It's a balancing act.
4. Change the way you perceive the crisis.  Look at it as a way to grow and become better.
5. Find and use your available resources.  This includes extended family members, friends, other social circles, religion, etc.

While these are good tools to use once a crisis has emerged in the family system, I think that it is more important for the family to be prepared to deal.  THIS is what I am going to apply now, in order to have a strong foundation that can withstand hard times.  I want to be a resilient family that has worked together in order to be strong and prepared.

In a family you must:

• Know how to manage conflict well.
• Have relationships that foster problem-solving.
• Hold celebrations such as birthdays, religions holidays, special events, etc.
• Have good communication of emotions and beliefs.
• Have good financial management.
• Have a strong commitment to family.
• Practice good health in physical and emotional.
• Share leisure activities.
• Accept each other, flaws and all.
• Build social network of family and friends.
• Share routines such as family dinner and chores.
• Have traditions that are practiced!

I invite you all to look at this list and see where you can start working harder in order to build a strong, resilient family that can withstand all the trials that are bound to come your way.

*HAPPY FAMILIES CHANGE THE WORLD*

References:

Lauer, Robert H., and Jeanette C. Lauer.  Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy. Dubuque, IA, Wm. C. Brown Publishers, 2012.

Infidelity and Marriage

*Being a faithful spouse requires much more than avoiding adultery.*

How does that make you feel? What are the other things we should avoid to be COMPLETELY faithful to your one and only?

There are different types of threats to happy marriages. Some of the most common threats today include friends crossing boundaries, Facebook and another social networking sites, pornography, and couples fighting.  In order to avoid these creating rifts in our marriages we must create boundaries against outside forces.  I love the way we discussed this subject in class. Our professor compared the boundaries around our marriage needing to be like a white picket fence.  Imagine a beautiful home surrounded by this quaint boundary...

Looking at this fence what do we notice?

1. It creates a clear and distinct boundary around the home.
2. The shortness of it allows others to talk to those inside the boundaries, but still creates a barrier.
3. The pointy top dissuades anyone from sitting on the fence, they must choose a side.
4. There is an opening that allows others in, but only at that certain place.

Now how can we compare this to a marriage and the boundaries that are needed?

1. There must be clear and distinct boundaries made.  (These can be continually discussed and modified as the relationship changes, but there MUST be conversations about what each person feels comfortable with, especially before they are married.)
2. Spouses can have friends and talk to them, but there is still a distance kept.  They should only turn to their spouse to share personal things in order to build intimacy and closeness.
3. The couple must set up protectors to keep their marriage safe, by defining what actions their boundaries allow.  (Being alone with someone of the opposite gender?  What friends and family are allowed to know about problems? To what extent there are conversations on social media with others?)
4. Others can and will be allowed to be close to the marriage and those in this union.  However, it is only specified by BOTH husband and wife and allowed in at certain places.

One principle to remember, is that anytime anything takes precedence over your spouse, it could be infidelity and infidelity is the opposite of faithfulness. 

How are you strengthening your marriage each day? How are you showing your love and loyalty?

*HAPPY FAMILIES CHANGE THE WORLD*

What is love?

So I guess I talk about love a lot, but hey, I think it's one of the most important qualities needed to forge a happy family and that is what I'm here to discuss. There are many different definitions of love, and apparently different types as well. However, in the end, we know "that love is crucial to [our] well-being". (Lauer and Lauer, 2012).

As I said before, we need to FORGE a happy family, or marriage.  It is not something that just happens.  What we need is WORK.  To continually forge a lasting relationship, I love the three components of Togetherness (sharing experiences), Talk (mutual self-disclosure), and Time. These things take effort.  I know that, but what happens when we stop working hard for things that matter the most in our life?  I have a strong belief that it is God's plan for us to form marital unions and have families.  This is the way to happiness.  As President Uchtorf said, "Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day, over a lifetime."

 Yes it's hard to get out of your comfort zone to ask someone on a date.  Yes it's hard to put yourself out there in order to form new relationships.  Yes it's hard to trust someone with your heart when it's already been broken before.  Yes, marriage is hard, but it's worth it.  To make it work there are daily choices necessary to be happy.  I choose happiness, I choose love.

*HAPPY FAMILIES CHANGE THE WORLD*



References:
Lauer, Robert H., and Jeanette C. Lauer.  Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy. Dubuque, IA, Wm. C. Brown Publishers, 2012.

All we need is love.

I am overwhelmed every day with the different tragedies that happen all over the world.  If every person on this earth were able to love themselves, and those around them, I think that there would less heartache.  On the other side of this, I am APPALLED at the numerous decisions that are made and policies that are created by those in this country that affect people’s lives, without even considering both sides. Today I want to talk about one issue that is prevalent in our society, and can be very controversial.  As the beginning of my post said, all we need is love, and I hope that as I discuss this topic, the facts I share, alongside my opinion will not offend anyone, but only invite you to take a look at the other side, and remember the importance of LOVE.

Today I want to discuss the policies surrounding the rights of LGTBQ2’s. (I think that’s the official term now, I’m not positive, but you get the point). I’m not here to say whether this lifestyle choice is right or wrong, or if they should be able to get married.  I do, however, want to bring up one policy that can affect these people just as much, but gets a lot less support. To start off with, I want to point out that there is a lot of evidence that biology and genes aren’t the only factor in what brings one to the decision to become gay.  A young boy is a lot more likely if he is sexually abused, rejected by his other male peers, disconnected from his father growing up, raised by an overbearing mother, or introduced to pornography at a young age, and the list goes on.  So, because there are other factors contributing to this lifestyle, some people may not want to have these feelings!  It’s their right, they can choose to change, and that’s why I think it is not okay for a government to outlaw what is being termed as ‘conversion’ therapy.  There have been many success stories, and if it is the choice of the person, this therapy doesn’t cause emotional harm.  We have therapists to help people overcome depression, anxiety, addictions, and other cases.  People don’t want to live that way, so there are means for them to change.  I believe that this is a human right.  We choose how we live, and if we want to and can change, that is okay.

I am not calling that we push all LGTBQ2’S into getting therapy, but I am asking that we leave this choice up to the individual. Love, my friends, is the answer, but it only works if we love BOTH sides and see from EVERY view point.

Here's a great video to watch interviewing success stories.

Understanding Same-Sex Attraction

Happiness in Marriage

So today I'm here to talk about the happiness that can be found in marriages, and being a newly wed of three months (tomorrow) I think I can be counted as an expert..obviously..


I mean come on, look how cute we are!
         
 

All the credit goes to our photographer, Simply Amor Photography, look her up she's seriously so talented!!

Anyway, back to my thought for the week, we learned a lot about the importance of the family structure and then how essential it is for those families to have babies!  But what stood out to me the most was that the foundation has to be from a strong marriage. I know I for one was terrified to get married, hasn't everyone heard the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce? (Not true by the way), but it's still a scary thought!  I know some people wonder if it's even worth it to get married at all, as we have seen the rise in cohabiting couples.  Now I'm not here to tell you that you are wrong, or that I know what is best for everyone, but I want to show you some facts that will give you some hope in the idea of traditional marriage!  There have been studies that show that the highest level of well-being comes from being married (Soons and Liefbroer 2008). After reading that in our textbook I dug a little deeper and found a lot of data that shows higher levels of happiness in more committed relationships, aka marriage.  Being married to your best friends also provides a built-in support system to help you overcome the trials we all face in life (Dehle, Larsen, and Landers 2001).

We need to change the culture!  I choose joy just like I chose to get married. When the time and person is right, don't be afraid.  Marriage is worth it.  Family is worth it.

"Marriage and children are not part of the plan of happiness it IS the plan of happiness." Boyd K. Packer